I’ve been a professional matchmaker & relationship expert for 23 years. I spent the first decade of my career dating and in and out of serious relationships. For the past 11 years, I have been deeply in love with my significant other. I can definitely see the impact that my relationship has had on every are of my life, especially my career in helping singles. Being in love gives you a confidence and perspective that you simply don’t have when you’re single.
This is what I have learned — There are things happy couples know that singles don’t. Here’s what they are:
1) Your ideal partner will not fit 100% of the criteria on your “list.”
Every single person has a list. Some singles keep their list in their heads, while others write it down. Some lists are long and some are short, but everyone thinks they know what their ideal partner is going to be like. The reality is that the person you fall in love with is not going to be the person you have created in your head.
2) Being 6’ tall has nothing to do with being a good husband and being slender with perky breasts won’t make her a good wife.
Not only do singles have lists of qualities their ideal partner must have, but many of the qualities on their lists tend to be superficial. If someone is tall, dark, and handsome, he may be a great boyfriend who you have chemistry with, but will that translate to making a good husband? I always tell my clients that when you’re looking for “the one” you need to think beyond the surface level. You need to think about how this person will be as a partner when life is good and when it’s not. Married couples often face extremely challenging times. Those who make it through are the couples who share a deep connection, based on similar world views, values, and goals.
3) Laughter is more important than chemistry.
Happy couples laugh easily with each other and they laugh often. They know how to have fun together and how to truly enjoy the simple things in life together! Life can be hard, but couples who find humor during the difficult times, know how to pull through without letting the stress affect their relationship.
4) Your brain plays tricks on you when you’re dating.
Serotonin. Dopamine. Oxytocin. The mixture of endorphins and chemicals in your brain when you’re dating someone new can be intoxicating. Many experts compare it to being high on drugs. You cannot make clear decisions when you are essentially intoxicated by someone. Once that chemistry has worn off, you can see the relationship through a clearer lens. That’s why I always advise my clients to date for over 18 months before moving in together or getting married.
5) Growing together is different than falling in love with someone who has potential.
Being open to grow together is very different than dating someone who does not have their life in order. Many singles (especially women) are too quick to overlook red flags because they see “potential” in someone. When you’re with someone for decades, you will both grow and change, but you should at least start with someone who is on a similar level.
The bottom line is this… Happy couples got to where they are because they were open-minded about the superficial stuff and selective about the important stuff when they were dating. Use this as your own blue print for dating and you will greatly increase your chances of meeting “the one!”
